Part 3
NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE
Words + Music by Geordie McElroy
Part 3
Secret Santa’s crossed off the list
Drug dealers, arsonists, thieves
Necrophiliacs and mountebanks
Cops excised disease
Bodies found in alleyways
Sedan trunks by the docks
Arcades, bars, overpriced condos
In a playground sandbox
Some with bullets between the eyes
Some had jugulars ripped
Some injected with tree frog venom
Some dumped in ditches, stripped
Bodies piled high down at the morgue
As the winter weather cooled
Coroner ruled them accidents
Homicide had all fooled
***
Portia lunched with Muffy and Luz
“What a story to tell
Here’s my latest acquisition
Ladies, behold Noel”
“Isn’t she the waif you booted?”
“Yes, indeed, she’s the thief
Caught her in my charity globe
I gave the orphan relief”
“We welcomed her into our home
Hope she comes to trust us
This is what charity truly is:
Restorative justice”
“The criminal system is a mess
Trust me, group homes broken
So, I adopted this delinquent
You just took in tokens”
“Mercedes, please take our Noel
To sit on Ruprecht’s lap
Sure she love to tell him about
Dodging criminal wrap”
***
Mercedes paraded casting
Elbows and aspersions
To anyone blocking her way
Departments transversing
Noel followed at the girl’s heels
Into Christmas village
They cut the line and found Ruprecht
Koopman’s family privilege
“Excuse me, sir,” Noel piped up
“They say your name’s Ruprecht
But I’ve been watching you closely
Suspect that’s incorrect”
“Is your true name really St. Nick?
You seem to be the source
Of all those legends about him
I could be wrong, of course”
“Someone has been using your name
Your reputation’s heft
To drain the youth from orphan girls
Until there’s nothing left”
Ruprecht stared at the young orphan
And asked: “Are you the one?”
But then their rendezvous cut short
In walked Lt. Dunn
He flashed his badge, approached Ruprecht
The line drew to a halt
“Last night, what were your whereabouts?
Do you know Jacques Perrault?”
Noel spotted the flashing shield
She turned, in terror ran
Was this the goon from the North Pole?
The man who took Roxanne?
Portia stopped the inquisition
“What’s the meaning of this?
You’re ruining Christmas business
I insist that you desist”
“Unless you have a warrant here
Exit the way you came”
Dunn locked eyes with Portia Koopman
His Secret Santa name
“I’m here to find our what happened
To your head of HR
You know we found him dead last night
In furthest reaches of the park?”
“Yes, I know, it’s something shameful
Doubt that he deserved it
But I had a keen suspicion
Perault was a pervert”
***
Koopman’s penthouse above the store
Chic duplex high-rise
A monumental Douglas fir
Their Christmas tree, turquoise
Objects d’art, antiques for days
Unreads by the yard on oak shelves
Walls covered with portraits of Portia
Commissioned by herself
“I’ve always wanted a sister”
Mercedes told Noel
“I’m so glad we get to save you
Poverty looks like hell”
“I love your hair, those bouncy curls
Are you Puerto Rican?”
“I don’t know, I’m from the North Pole
St. Nick, I need to see him”
“St. Nick? No, that guy is Ruprecht
He’s just some bum we pay
You’ll get a chance to talk to him
At Christmas Eve soiree”
“Who would have guessed? We’re the same size”
Mercedes tore through clothes
Closet bigger than the lighthouse
They put on fashion show
They played dressed up and did their hair
The whole east wing take-over
Burlap sack, a thing of the past
Noel got full make-over
***
Izzy carried belonging out
Boxes filled elevator
“You’re replacing me with Noel?
She’s straight trash, I hate her”
Portia taunted raging step-son:
“This is a chance to grow
We need your room for the new girl
You’ll be happy with Flo”
“Won’t Mercedes need her nanny?”
Izzy, furious, asked
Portia sighed: “Not since she was ten
Flo tends to your ass”
Portia heading to west wing screamed:
Bring Killer to the pound!
That bitch has gone and wrecked my home
If not, I’ll put her down
“No!” Mercedes cried from kitchen
As Killer wheezed down cheese
“I want to keep the pup up here
To replace Sniffles, please”
Steve Koopman sighed, relented:
“You can keep her, of course”
Despite the damage hellhounds do
Still cheaper than a horse
Killer saddled up to Noel
Canine licked the girl’s hand
As she scratched dog’s belly below
Obeyed orphan’s commands
Noel asked where I’ll be sleeping
“Repose in Killers crate”
A dog cage was better than her cell
“Boy! Well that just sounds great"
Mercedes said: “I’m just joshing
You’ll sleep in Izzy’s room
This city will toughen you up
You’ll lose your softness soon”
***
Izzy at Flo's dinner table
Her whole family around
“No idea you had a husband
Or three children in town”
“Where did you think I was going
When I left your penthouse?”
Izzy shrugged, “Maybe Trinidad
Or somewhere way down south”
Izzy gobbled down salt cod
Roti, aloo pie and pelau
Flo asked: “will you be staying long?”
“Until I figure it out”
“I need to convince my family
That orphan Noel stinks
She’s a criminal mastermind
Despite what they all think”
“I can’t believe they took my suite
And gave it to that waif
I detained her stealing from us
Somehow it’s my mistake?”
Izzy crushed his second portion
Grabbed fistful of jamoon
Said: “If anybody needs me
I’ll be in my new room”
***
Noel cuddled up with Killer
Late in Izzy’s quarters
The shelves full of well-worn books
Burdened being smarter
The walls full of mounted degrees
A dazzling CV
He studied film, conceptual art
And musicology
If he were so well educated
Why did he live at home?
What was the purpose of knowledge
If it keeps you alone?
Why did the Koopman’s adopt her
At the expense of their son?
Was this how rich people live life?
Was this just how it’s done?
***
Izzy sat on the lower bunk
In Flo’s younger sons room
And stared at Noel’s old matchbook
Cold jealousy consumed
He read: North Pole Gentleman’s Club
And then chortled: “Losers
Only a fool goes to strip clubs
Simple self-abusers”
Izzy flipped open the match book
And found a bloody print
Over a list of people’s names
And one caused him to squint
A knock on the door started him
Izzy lashed out, fuming
“But you’re in my room” Flo’s son said
The name: Portia Koopman
***
Noel walked through penthouse west wing
Hallway lined with mirrors
Countless reflections distorted
Thousand Portia’s appeared
The matron whispered to Noel
“What was it that you saw
When you were inside that snow globe?
Hate to bring in the law”
How could Noel know the answer?
Why did she take her in?
Why did this stranger fake charity?
“I didn’t see a thing”
"Well, that’s a descent response
Just keep it to yourself
If anyone ask about it
The best answer is stealth”
Noel perplexed, didn’t comprehend
What Portia was about
This lady seemed so rich and proud
But soon began to doubt
***
The screen glow illuminating
Izzy’s frantic research
Exploring matchbook’s name list
And soon the flood gates burst
Every name on the log deceased
All mysterious deaths
Each one was ruled accidental
Portia, the last one left
Micah Wohl, electrocuted
Jim Gunn, hit and run
Timothy Barth shot 16 times
Tom Hawkes flambeed by sun?
All of these deaths were homicide
Izzy sure deduced
Assassin covering their tracks
As hit list got reduced
Who could be the supervillain?
That ragged waif Noel?
Who’s were these bloody prints on book?
Forensic test might tell
***
Izzy and Steve’s met in the park
Dad assured son: “All is well
The situation temporary
But Portia, let’s not tell”
Izzy huffed: “Unbelievable
The orphan is a butcher
I found proof of Noel’s wicked ways
And yet, in, you took her”
“Take a look at this old matchbook
I found in her burlap
Everyone listed on docket
Is taking a dirt nap”
“Getting caught her plan all along
To infiltrate our home
It’s only a matter of time
Before true colors show”
“The only name not yet muted
Only breathing human
Someone quite near and dear to you
Your wife: Portia Koopman”
Steve eyed the matchbook:
“Have you been in my stuff?”
“What? No! I found it on the orphan
Tucked up in burlap cuff”
Steve sighed, put his hand on Izzy:
“You’re not cut out to guard
What you really want is justice
But execution’s hard”
“I think I may have failed you son
Why don’t we give a try
To see all of life’s finer things
Luxuries money buys”
****
Steve and son at athletic club
To conquer racquetball
Izzy spent, sweating in corner
Greasing court where he sprawled
Then they tripped to the tailor
To fit for suits bespoke
Clothier saw Izzy’s waist size
Assumed it was a joke
Sallied to the art galleries
Culture’s worth remind him
“What?!? This sculpture mode late, third rate”
The artist right behind him
Then to midtown for theatre
To catch a musical show
Izzy appalled by song and dance
Acting, sets, and those clothes!
After the show, a hotel bar
“One virgin colada…
No? I’ll take a Shirley temple
Fine… I prefer Ramada”
“You need to learn to drink scotch, son
The beverage of power”
Izzy got whirlwind nauseous
Barfing in the flowers
Then to three star restaurant
Clever, delicate plates
Nothing could satisfy the boy
He barely felt he ate
Their final stop was Koopman’s yacht
Too bad weather freezing
With Izzy’s claustrophobia
Voyage far from pleasing
The marina was full of rats
Docked yet Izzy nauseous
Bundled in children’s life jacket
The boy was extra cautious
His mother died on the water
Parasail line snapped
She got tangled up in the ropes
And then the sharks attacked
Steve Koopman finally realized
His plan for Izzy failed
“Do I even care for money?
Or burden it entails?”
“Wouldn’t I be much happier
Out upon the water
Without the store,uPortia, paramour
And pop crooner daughter”
***
“We’re going to the studio”
Mercedes told Noel
“Didn’t know you were a singer”
“With my style? Can’t you tell?”
“Creatives must make music
It’s instinct, not a choice
You’d probably hear me singing more
I need to save my voice”
“Here’s a track from my producer
Soon when my vocals spark it
We’re riding a loophole right into
The Canadian market”
“His name is Serj, he’s from Moosejaw
I met him at the rink
He deejays cosmic skating night
I’ll sing it now I think”
Mercedes grabbed her cellular
And left Serj a voice mail
Through wi-fi call, her caterwaul
Lacked melody, feel, detail
“That’s it,” Mercedes said, “We’re done
Tomorrow morning its dropping
We’ll just let Serj work his magic touch
Now it’s time for shopping”
"But first you need to clean my room
Take Killer for a walk
Do my laundry, fold my clothes
And this time pair my socks”
“Isn’t it great being sisters?
I almost want to sing
Gonna need to straighten your hair
Now on, curls are my thing”
***
Izzy in
