Episode 5

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Published on:

31st Oct 2024

Epilogue

NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE 

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy 

Epilogue



***




Muffy Von Klump, Luz de la Cruz


Lunched at Bistro Chez Bleu 


Where once the gang was a trio 


Now there were only two 




“There’s no decent reindeer anywhere”


Luz sulked and dropped her fork 


Muffy sighed, “its out of fashion 


But you knew that of course”




“Speaking of thing gone out of style


What did you do with Beth?”


“I wheeled her down to a group home


She rolled on my last nerve left”




Muffy asked, “How is Alfonso?”


“I hear he’s doing grand


Such a shame we needed his room


That reno was unplanned”




“Occasionally we get letters


For reunion pleading us 


Frankly, they go straight to shredder


Neediness is tedious” 




“Any new projects?” Muffy asked


“I took a page from Portia”


“Are you crazy? Committing fraud?


Or dealing in orphans?”




“Those are things that are just not done


Nothing… inelegant 


I’m elevating charity


Making it more relevant”




“She was right about the justice system


The whole thing is rotten


Inmates linger in filthy cells 


By the world, forgotten”




“So, I’ve committed to fix it


To let dignity ring 


I’ve become a prison mentor 


With felon under my wing”




“She reports to me her progress


Gives run down of her chores


Work beneath the righteous wives


Reforming for her I’m sure” 




“Oh my, that sounds restorative


Muffy bubbled with glee


“Any chance you’ll meet with her soon


Now that, I’d love to see”




****




Inmates entered the visiting room


Guards barked out commands


Muffy and Luz sat by the glass


Receivers in their hands 




Muffy’s eyes sparkled with delight 


Seeing Luz’s project


Now this was a soul needing reform 


Looking ragged, unkempt 




Luz spoke into her receiver:


“Have you been doing good?


Are you staying out of trouble?


Like a model inmate should?”




Muffy produced Japanese fan


“It’s awful hot in here


What in god is that yeasty smell?


It reeks of rotten beer”




“Guards say you cell’s been messy


Grub’s constipating you


That jumpsuit fits like a trash bag


What’s with those hideous shoes?”




“Just think, in a decade you’re out


After you’ve made amends


This decor drab and depressing


Are you making any friends?”




“Time to say our affirmations


Repeat them after me:


I’m a felon worthy of love


Self-respect, dignity”




“Come, come now, please don’t be bashful 


Self-love its own reward 


I’d hate to have this non-compliance 


Brought before parole board”




“Shame you can’t wear your wig in here


There’s no need to hunch low


Even if your wrinkles cracking


And it seems you’ve lost your glow” 




“Adieu, until we meet next week 


Don’t let your cellmate extort you


Muffy, it’s time to run, let’s go 


Say goodbye to Portia”




***




Up in Koopman’s condo


Noel sat by the fire 


Killer snuggled at the girl’s feet


No home in town higher




Swaddled in a cashmere sweater 


Sporting a wide brim hat


Eating brownies, cookies, and sweets


For once, putting on fat 




Orphan set her cocoa down


And rung a tiny bell 


In wandered youngest Chloe 


“How can I help, Noel?”




“There’s so much to do at the store


It’s hard to make the rounds 


Give me a rundown of numbers


Full department breakdown”




***




Downstairs department store swarming


The most shoppers in years


Now that Noel was running things 


Old problems disappeared 




Chloe opened a folio 


And ran down the figures


How each department was thriving 


Slowly growing bigger




“Roxanne making a splash in hosiery 


Penny killing dinning


Suzy doing wonders with make-up


I’m thinking of resigning” 




“Aren’t you happy?” asked Noel


“Of course,” answered Chloe


“Everything is running so smoothly


The store doesn’t need me”




“Even Harriet’s faring well 


Heading security 


No one wants to mess with her now 


Power for all to see”




“Street Rats run our loss prevention


Been weeks without a thief


They know every trick in the book


Zero chance for a cheat”




“Good thing they’re finally showered” 


Chloe said with a grimace


“Their B.O. had its own zip code


Perfume has its limits” 




“What’s next?” Chloe asked Noel 


“Tattoos with Dolores?”


“I’m going to meet an old friend


Need to hit the florist” 




***




Dunn was at the cemetery


Formal police attire 


He laid flowers down on the ground


Where wife and child retired




"Howdy, Sergeant!” Came a greeting


He turned to see Noel 


Carrying bunches of roses


Daises, tulips as well 




“Whoa there! Ms. Fancy,” he told her


“We get that you’re wealthy


You didn’t need to bring so much


Two bouquets is plenty”




“Relax, guy, they’re not all for you


These for your child and wife 


Others are going to some one


To whom I owe my life”




“Did you discover your mother?


Able to find her name?”


Noel shook her head, shed a tear


“I’m sorry, that’s a shame” 




“I’m going to place them on the grave


Of the unknown orphan 


Just as easy could have been me


Had I other fortunes”




“Speaking of good luck, how’s it feel?


To go from rags to riches?”


“It came with the price of my dad…


…Anyone know where Nick is?”




“We searched the banya and the North Pole 


Through marshes, sloughs fishing 


We rounded all the Gulag Gang


But Nick among the missing




It seems he just up and vanished 


Crept through hole in time ripped”


“This is not the first time my dad 


Gave authorities the slip” 




“But look at all the money I got 


This grand inheritance 


Nick had assets all over town 


Shame it came with his parenting”




“Who knows? Maybe he’s in Cairo


Or monastery climbed to 


Perhaps the Amazon basin


He maybe right behind you”




“It’s hard to disappear these days


Everything’s connected 


If he pops his head above water 


I’m sure we’ll detect it” 




“Sure!” Noel laughed with a shudder 


Under parasol shade 


She failed to notice the groundskeeper


A teen with eyes of jade 




***




Steve Koopman was at the helm


His ship on wild sea


Sold Noel the store, penthouse floors


For once, completely free




In his favorite Hawaiian shirt


Through the weather bracing 


Mercedes sea sick and freezing


Mounting problems facing 




She tried to cut a new diss track 


But there was no wi-fi


She demanded the sea be quiet


Steve said: “I’ll give a try”




Overboard lost her mobile phone


Wave drenched through fast fashion 


Soaked to the bone, so far from home


With imagination lacking 




“This life is unacceptable


Now turn this ship around


Take me back to the big city 


Just take me back to town”  




Mr. Koopman comforted her


“This this is our home now


We’ll go where fair winds blow 


Through unknown waves we’ll plow” 




“Well I don’t want to be rootless


Or some high sea rover


This is just your mid-life crisis


How soon will it all be over?”




Just then Pearl appeared on deck 


“Do you come with a dimmer?


You’re spoiling our honeymoon


Mercedes, please, simmer” 




“You can’t tell me to relax, Pearl 


You’re not my mother”


“No. She’s got five to ten in the pen 


I’m sure that you still love her”




Then her father intervened 


“Mercedes, please be calm 


You’ve got to learn some self-control 


Listen to your step-mom” 




“I hate you! I hate you!” She barked


Mercedes stormed below


But only to fight nausea 


From hull that rocked and rolled 




Pearl wrapped arms around Steve Koopman


Pondered unwanted freight


Time would come to dump Mercedes


To jettison dead weight  




Steve Koopman sighed and told her 


This view reminds him of Izzy


“I wonder if he’d like this tour 


Or if he misses me..” 




***




High in the Andes, a problem


Llama, alpaca missing


The herders struck by revelation


Creature nightly visiting 




Reports in Quechua blast out


Of beast wrapped up in fur


A massive thing with spots of black 


No puma, they were sure 




Trackers found prints in the snow 


Was it hoof? Or were they boot? 


Judging from their depth folks figured


Four hundred pounds… a brute 




Elders told tale of times gone by 


Only on coldest years


When evil enters hearts of men


An ice demon creeps near




Ruprecht they called him long ago 


Justice kept him busy 


This moonless Christmas he’s returned 


But now they call him: Izzy 




***




THE END 




***

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Show artwork for Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque

About the Podcast

Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque
A Horror/Comedy Audio Epic
Koopman's department store is in trouble. Christmas is 12 days away, and they've lost their Santa. In desperation, they hire Ruprecht. Is he a kindly old man in seal furs? A deathless shaman? A demon? Or pagan god? The real Father Winter with an empty eye behind a patch that makes coal of sinners? The city is about to find out the hard way. Their only hopes for salvation: a brainwashed orphan, homicidal detective, and an inept revolutionary.

About your host

Profile picture for Geordie McElroy

Geordie McElroy